get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
