We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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