Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize