Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
