Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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