HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
