Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
