home. puking in laundry basket.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize