I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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