So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
where are my eyebrows?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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