if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
