i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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