I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
