i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
