How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
