there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
