apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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