I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
