yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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