Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize