note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
