it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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