Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
