Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
