I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
