So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
