I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
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