I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
