Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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