"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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