so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
