he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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