Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
