ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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