you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
