so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
