I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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