don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize