I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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