I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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