Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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