my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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