when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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