I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
