Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
