She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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