Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
