We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
