how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
well you can't waste a boner
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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