i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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