yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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