Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
