I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
