Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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