WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
