sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
