I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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