I think I died a long time ago.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
