I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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