dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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