So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
