We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
