you traded sex for a burrito?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
