Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
