im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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