cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
