you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
