How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
