I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
