I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
