Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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