How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize