I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
