A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
