I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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